Wake Up Call #1: Infinity and beyond

Approaching Infinity

The first step to being a wizard is becoming hella cosmic and the first step to becoming hella cosmic is orienting oneself to a larger perspective of "the Universe." As human beings who evolved from savvy tool-wielding apes, our senses are set by default to the scale of our immediate surroundings. Tripping out on space and time is fine and dandy — actually, it fucking rules — but we only developed the frontal lobe capacities for such groovy musings by first mastering the art of throwing rocks at lions and other predators.

This means that even though modern knowledge ranges from the tiniest itty bitty sub-atomic particles to the vast Universe bordered by the background radiation of the Big Bang itself, regular people tend to pretty much keep it locked on whatever's within spitting distance. We worry about who's sitting next to us, how to get from our house to the 7-11 and back, if the person sitting next to us knows we just went to 7-11 to buy loaded Doritos, and maybe plan the occasional trip abroad. But for the most part, we don't fuck with Infinity.

Big Universe. Big deal.

The Universe is big. In fact, it's freaking huge, mostly empty, and filled with spooky anti-matter and the occasional drifting Russian monkey corpse. But it's definitely big as evidenced by how fucking small you can feel when you look out at the stars on a clear desert night and groove on those vast vibes. Infinity, however, is not big. In order to be big, a thing needs another object for relative comparison. Shaq is big but not when compared to the Iron Giant, if the Iron Giant were real and not just a cartoon voiced by Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel is big except when he fights the Rock in Furious 6 and then you're like, "Oh fuck, when did the Rock become the human equivalent of those jumbo-sized G.I. Joe dolls!?" 

So the Universe is big because in the Matryoshka Russian nesting doll scale modern astronomy laid out for us (thanks Cosmos!), it's bigger than galaxies, solar systems, and puny little planets like Earth. But Earth is huge compared to cities and houses are huge compared to apartments in midtown Manhattan. It's all relative, baby. Except when you're fucking with Infinity and then nothing is relative because Infinity. Is. EVERYTHING.

The "all or nothing" of Infinity

Infinity is an all or nothing proposition. If we accept that whatever this that we're experiencing is isn't just nothing masquerading in the fancy costume jewelry of existence (and it could be. I don't fucking know), then we've got to deal with "all." Otherwise, a finite world is constantly butting up against the strange fence of non-existence, and if you throw a frisbee over the fence, who goes and gets it? God? Is that what God's for? It's a whole metaphysical mindfuck not worth messing with, especially since Infinity herself is so much sexier and more appealing.

"I ordered this cloak on Etsy."

"I ordered this cloak on Etsy."

On the right is Eternity from the Marvel comics universe, who is basically a personified trip to the planetarium. I know Marvel also has an Infinity but it's like a lady in yellow spandex and that's whack as hell. The point is, you can picture Infinity however you please but it will always be wrong, because no matter how many Urban Outfitters galaxy print tights you dress her up in, Infinity by definition will exceed any borders set. That's her whole deal.

The best way to visualize Infinity then is as one of those trippy Mandelbot zoom fractals (see below). It just goes and goes and gets weird and maybe it repeats or wait no it's still going ah hell yeah fractal you crazy! So if you imagine your current location as the starting point, you can zoom out or in with similar results. Let's go small because that sets up the joke I want to make.

How small is it?

Journeying into the realm of the teeniest of tinies, you get past atoms and nuclei to quarks, where the only thing smaller is Donald Trump' hypothetical penis (hey-O!). Is it possible that things get even smaller than quarks and politician penises? I say yes.

1980 was a banner year for dick-size quark jokes

1980 was a banner year for dick-size quark jokes

When contemplating Infinity, the likeliest manifestation seems to be the Horton Hears a Who scenario where whole worlds and universes exist at the smallest levels. This means that your body, made up of cells, made up of molecules, made up of atoms, made up of quarks, is probably made up of weird tiny baby universes. That's pretty chill until you realize that "As above, so below" and our Universe is a little baby universe in the weird super enormous molecules of some trippy other plane of existence. So the question then becomes, "Is our Universe actually part of some bizarre cosmic creature's butt or dick?" I'm not a quantum physicist, but my dad is and I called him and he said, "Yes. Absolutely." So there you have it.

It just goes and goes until you realize we're all in the butt of a space whale.

It just goes and goes until you realize we're all in the butt of a space whale.